Day 41: Talking, fussing, calling, crying and screaming

I used to think if a baby made noise at night, a parent needed to respond right away, no matter what the noise. I thought anything else was leaving the baby to "cry it out," and that was cruel. But slowly, I've been changing my mind.

I've been developing the theory that Mari's nighttime and pre-falling-asleep vocalizations come in five varieties: talking, fussing/whining, calling, crying and screaming, and that I should vary my response to her based on what type of vocalization it is. Please note both her cries and my responses are different at naptime; this is only for night sleep.

Talking: She doesn't sound upset, just using her voice. If she was old enough to say more than "ah-eh" and "oogie" it would sound like she was saying: "...and then we went to the store and Mommy bought me new socks..."  If she's "talking," I leave her indefinitely, until she falls asleep or gets upset.


Fussing/whining: She's a bit upset, but not too much. It sounds at first blush like crying, but the sounds are fairly quiet, intermittent and sound more annoyed or whiny than really upset. If she could talk, it would sound like she was saying, "I'm bored," "I'm tired" or "this sucks." I feel comfortable leaving her to fuss for between five and 20 minutes, depending on just how upset she sounds. I go in if the fussing turns into crying, but often she manages to put herself to sleep. Exception: if it's just after I've put her down for the night but she still hasn't fallen asleep and is getting upset, I go in fairly quickly (after only a few minutes of fussing) for a quick cuddle, then I set her back down still awake. The one-time "Mummy may have left the room but she hasn't abandoned you" visit seems to reassure her and she almost always falls asleep quickly afterward. I'm not sure if I should keep doing this but for now it seems to work.

Calling: She's a little upset, but I get the impression she's testing my boundaries more than anything else. The cries are louder than fusses but very intermittent -- from several seconds to as much as two minutes between cries. If she could talk, she'd be saying: "Mum! Where are you?" "Come pick me up!" Or: "Waiter!" "What's a baby got to do to get service around here?" Often calling is intermingled with fussing, and I respond the same way, on the same timeline.

Crying: She's really upset or hungry and there's no way to translate the sounds into speech because even if she could talk, she'd still be crying. I only wait a minute or two to make sure she's really awake and not crying out in her sleep (unlikely) before going in to comfort her. My response would usually include nursing, unless she ate less than three hours ago. Often if she's hungry the sounds start off as fussing but become more insistent and more like crying quite quickly.


Screaming: A panicked scream, again no way to translate into speech. Will either turn into crying if she's awake or it's a night terror, in which case she's not really awake and will quickly stop. Though she sounds more upset than if she's crying, I wait a little longer before going in -- a few minutes -- because it's reasonably likely it's a night terror. If she keeps screaming, I have to turn on a dim light so I can see well enough to make sure there isn't anything hurting her, though that's never yet been the case. I may have to revise that when she starts teething.

Today: A good day for naps. Mari slept only an hour and ten minutes in the morning, less than I like to see, but unusually she slept for two straight hours in the afternoon -- no waking up and me having to put her back to sleep. Her late-afternoon nap was only half an hour, but this is becoming more common and seems to be OK.

I think I have to slightly revise the schedule I set out the other day, since Mari seldom wakes up after 7 AM, so it's impractical to try to keep her sleeping and/or quiet until 7:30. So I will let her have active time from 7 AM until the naptime routine starts at 8:15. Also, if she has a decent but not two-hour morning nap, I will let her have active time starting at 10:30, not 11.