Day 71: Top 5 things I have learned about Mari's sleep

Some time ago I posted the top 10 things I have learned in general about baby sleep.(http://sleeplittlebaby.blogspot.com/2010/03/day-44-top-10-things-i-have-learned-in.html) I continue to learn, but here are the top five things I have learned so far about Mari's sleep in particular. I'll post more if I think of more.

1. Mari didn't need to cry it out. I tried letting Mari cry it out, using the extinction method, once. (See http://sleeplittlebaby.blogspot.com/2010/03/day-48-crying-it-out-aka-hardest-hour.html.) At the time, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child had convinced me it was the best way to teach her how to fall asleep on her own. Mari cried for an hour straight, and though she did fall asleep soon after, I just couldn't bring myself to put her through that again. While Mari's sleep is still far from perfect, Dr. Richard Ferber's suggestions on breaking sleep associations (also covered in the No-Cry Sleep Solution but better explained, I thought, chez Ferber) were more helpful in getting Mari to fall asleep on her own. I think following the No-Cry Sleep Solution laid the groundwork for Mari's improved sleep, but I still needed a push to take the final step of getting Mari to fall asleep on her own, without being first rocked to near-sleep. Once I started to put Mari down genuinely awake, not almost asleep, she learned to fall asleep on her own and started sleeping better at night. It may well be that some babies truly do need to cry it out. But I believe for the vast majority of babies there are better, less harsh ways.

2. Having said the above, it was unrealistic to expect no crying at all, ever. Mari cries sometimes, in and out of our arms. Sometimes she cries a lot. Sometimes there doesn't seem to be much we can do, at least for a certain period of time. I think letting her cry for up to five minutes at a time between us going in and briefly comforting her is OK. However, I feel bad about letting her go much longer than that, unless her crying is winding down and it sounds like she's on the verge of falling asleep -- which does sometimes happen. However, Mari definitely cries more when she's overtired, and we need to work really hard to prevent her from getting that way, though sometimes it's hard to avoid, especially if her naps are short. For more: http://sleeplittlebaby.blogspot.com/2010/03/day-41-talking-fussing-calling-crying.html

3. Sometimes Mari cries for non-intuitive reasons. Namely, sometimes these days she cries to be put down, not picked up, or because she's not tired, rather than because she is tired. The first was particularly hard to believe at first, because when she was younger, she seemed to constantly fuss to be picked up and she never wanted to be put down. But now that she's gotten used to falling asleep on her own, she often starts to fuss when I'm trying to rock her or sing her lullabies toward the end of her naptime or bedtime routines. She calms down when I put her down. Also, I used to think she fussed before naps or bed because she was tired or overtired. Often this is still the case. But sometimes she fusses because she's just not tired enough to go down. It's harder to tell the difference with this one, but if she doesn't seem to be growing tired and wants to stand up in my lap, she's likely not tired. The only sure test is to stop trying to get her down -- removing her sleep sack, taking her to another room -- and letting her play. If she calms down quickly, she was protesting being put down or wound down when she wasn't ready.

4. Mari's sleepy signs are unreliable, inconsistent and not the usual tired-baby signs. Apparently some babies don't show regular tired signs, or not much. Mari must be one of them. She seldom yawns. She doesn't always show a lull in activity or disinterest in her toys. Instead, the first sign often seems to be apparently increased energy. It's like she's trying to mask her fatigue. She will rub her eyes sometimes, but only after she feeds, and it's a late tired sign. Fatigued fussiness can start without apparent warning. She does often look away from other people, including her dad, but she doesn't tend to look away from me unless her dad has been the one taking care of her and I'm the one who's new on the scene.

5. She needs adequate time to wind down . This may be her temperament, because she has difficulty with transitions. If I want her to sleep at, say, 2 PM, I need to start her naptime routine at least half an hour beforehand. But sometimes, if she's really tired, she will fall asleep quickly, though, so I have to watch to make sure I don't do so much during her naptime/bedtime routines that she gets a second wind.

Day 44: Top 10 things I have learned in the last six weeks or so

While Mari's sleep habits are nowhere near perfect, they are certainly a lot better. And while I continue to learn, these are the most important things I think have worked so far to help improve her sleep. Some are derived from the No-Cry Sleep Solution, some are from Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, and some are of my own invention. These points are roughly in order of importance, in my opinion. Of course, every baby is different, even babies at the same age, but from what I understand from my research, these are points that would help most, if not all babies.

1.  Trust your baby. One of the hardest things for me to wrap my mind around is that Mari has often proven herself capable of more than I have expected. Maybe it's because babies grow and change so fast. I tend to think rules that applied a few weeks ago as still applicable, but often that's not been the case. The biggest thing for me was getting over the idea that Mari would never be able to put herself to sleep, because there was a time when that was true. The first time I left her alone in her room still awake, if very drowsy, I was afraid she'd freak out and it would then take me forever to get her to sleep. Instead, she "talked" for a little while and then there was blessed silence.

2.  Trust yourself. Another hard thing for me has been to weed through all the contradictory things all the different books say and pick out what I think will work for us. Consistency is important, yes, but sometimes I've have to do a bit of experimenting to find out what does work. Once I've found it, I've been trying to be consistent yet flexible -- i.e. if something disrupts her routine. It's a hard line to walk, and sometimes I have to stop and tell myself I'm a good mom and I know my child best.

 3. You do have to alter your life to fit your baby's sleep needs. Being well-rested during the day is crucial to a good night's sleep, and an older baby isn't going to be well-rested if she's not home and in a sleep-inducing environment at consistent times. I miss the days of newborn portability, when Mari could nap anywhere, at any time. But those days are gone and I have to accept it. So I have to keep any outings short and be strict about it. Yes, it's a bit of a pain for me. But a decently rested baby is so worth it and it makes for better rested parents too. 

4. Not every cry is the same and not every sound from a baby necessitates an immediate response. Leaving a baby to fuss for a bit is not the same as crying it out. For more: http://sleeplittlebaby.blogspot.com/2010/03/day-41-talking-fussing-calling-crying.html

5. Your child's temperament will affect his/her sleep habits and your responses to them. Some babies might be able to set and stick to a schedule on their own. Others will not. Some babies will cry very persistently, others will not. Some need a lot of cuddling, others don't like it. For more: http://sleeplittlebaby.blogspot.com/2010/02/day-36-temperament-and-sleep.html

6. By about six months at the latest, natural sleepy times develop, even in an irregular child, according to Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child author Dr. Marc Weissbluth. If one nap is short or skipped it may be better to keep the baby awake until the next naptime, to keep the baby on some sort of schedule, though that needs to be balanced with the need not to get the baby too overtired. The morning nap should start between 9-10 and the afternoon nap, between 12 and 2. For Mari, her morning nap has been starting around 8:30 to 9 and her afternoon nap around 1-ish. A third nap is variable, according to Weissbluth. Mari's has been around 5-ish and she's OK with it only being half an hour if the first two have been long enough. I have been having an easier time convincing her to nap around these natural sleepy times than I did strictly watching the clock to make sure she was up exactly, say, two hours and 15 minutes between naps.

7. The first nap of the day is crucial, and needs to start no more than two hours after the wake-up time. Apparently the morning nap is something of a continuation of night sleep, with plenty of REM sleep. I have found the morning nap sets the tone for the whole day. If Mari is sleeping again within two hours of waking up, she goes down more easily and is more likely to sleep longer. If the morning nap turns out to be shorter than an hour, she'll have a crankier day and will tend to wake up more easily from her naps. However, for some reason it's harder to get her back to sleep if she wakes up prematurely from her morning nap than from afternoon naps. This is something I'm still struggling with -- today, her morning nap was only 40 minutes and I couldn't get her back down. Lo and behold, she was a bit cranky.

8. A parent's presence can be a hindrance, not a help, in getting to sleep. Mari has always been a bit clingy, and my presence can reassure her if she's upset. However, my being around once she's calm at night seems to often delay her falling asleep, because she'd rather interact with me than sleep. However, at naptime, it's harder for me to leave the room, because she's more awake and gets upset if I leave. Having her put herself to sleep for naps is still something we need to work on.

9. A comfortable, sleep-inducing environment is important. Mari has started napping a bit better since I put the blackout fabric on the other side of the bamboo blinds. However, it's still not a very dark room and sometimes I regret not having bought black blackout fabric. On the other hand, I don't want to train her into only being able to sleep in a bat cave. Other environmental things that help: a white noise machine that stays on all night long (we have one on a timer too but she often wakes up when it turns off), removing all toys from the crib (wasn't necessary a few weeks ago, but it is now -- she's more aggressive about getting at them and more active in her sleep -- I usually put her down on her back, head to the left, and very often she wakes up on her tummy, head to the right).

10. It's normal for breastfed babies to wake up once or twice a night to feed until the age of 9 months, according to Dr. Weissbluth. Knowing this has helped me be OK with one or two night wakings and responding fairly promptly with feeding.

Near-future posts: ideas I have not found useful, ideas that may or may not be working, things I have learned specifically about Mari.