Day 91: Book reviews continued

Continued from this post...

3. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, by Marc Weissbluth, M.D.

There was a good deal I liked and found useful about this book. However, in my opinion the most fundamental thing about this book -- the recommended "extinction" crying method is overly harsh and unnecessary for most babies.

But let's start with what I did like, most of all the maxim that sleep begets sleep. Here, I have found that Weissbluth is right and Ferber is wrong. Almost always, an earlier bedtime, not a later one, is better for Mari's sleep. She sleeps more and better than when I've tried to keep her up longer or later. Of course, there is a limit, though Weissbluth sometimes seems to imply otherwise. Mari cannot and will not sleep for more than 14 hours in a day at the most, and she averages about 13 hours, though if I recall correctly, Weissbluth recommends 14-15.

Another thing I liked is the emphasis Weissbluth places on baby temperament and his acknowledgment, missing in many other books, that some babies just aren't going to be as good of sleepers as others, and that what works for most babies may not work for a certain percentage -- especially those who were very fussy as younger babies, which Mari certainly was. It was reassuring to me to know that just because some techniques work with other babies and don't seem to work with Mari, it's not necessarily because I'm doing something wrong -- it's because Mari is a different baby.

For the above reasons, I am prepared to believe that there are some babies for whom the extinction crying method Weissbluth advocates may be the only thing that works. However, I also believe that it's highly stressful for babies. It's plain that babies don't like to cry. Their faces turn red, their temperature goes up, they give every indication of being in extreme distress. Babies cry to communicate. Whether it's because they're in pain or because they just want their mothers, for the baby, something is wrong. I believe those needs should be responded to promptly (though not necessarily immediately), unless there's a damn good reason to delay response. In my opinion, a parent should consistently and patiently try every other method possible before resorting to the extinction method.

It's true that babies need to learn to fall asleep and stay asleep on their own. It may be true that for some babies, a certain amount of crying is necessary before they learn. However, just plain ignoring the baby's cries, no matter how long it takes, ignores the possibility the baby may be in pain or discomfort, which if fixed could get him or her to sleep.

I did find Weissbluth makes good points about why it's so important for children to be well-rested. However, I thought he overstated the case. I found myself worrying as I read it that I had already caused Mari irreparable damage by letting her stay up too long in the past. I even wondered if that was the cause of her not doing things such as crawling as fast as some babies (though she is still very much within the normal range). With a little more distance, I found the book was making me worrying too much. More guilt is something parents don't need.

Another issue I have with the book is that it is overly long, repetitive and written in a convoluted manner. However, that may be the editor in me talking.

4. The Baby Sleep Book, by William, Robert, James and Martha Sears

I like Dr. Sears a lot. I find what he says about attachment parenting (I have the book by that name and love it) makes a lot of sense. Though I no longer follow it to the letter (I allow some limited crying alone, I no longer "wear" Mari much at home, we no longer co-sleep), I believe in the philosophy of maintaining a strong bond between parent and baby. I believe the amount of time I spent in earlier months wearing or carrying Mari, co-sleeping, responding immediately to her cries, bonding with her immediately upon birth, and breastfeeding (still going strong there) laid the foundation for us knowing her well and her trusting us. I also found The Birth Book, also by Dr. Sears, to be the best, most balanced resource I read about birth. So certainly I have nothing against Dr. Sears.

However, I did not find The Baby Sleep Book to be terribly helpful. When I tried to follow his suggestion of waiting until Mari had been asleep for 20 minutes before putting her down, I found she was more lightly asleep than when she had been asleep only about 5 minutes. It also delayed my going to sleep myself -- but then, generally, I found the book didn't give enough weight to parents' needs.

Really, I found the whole concept of actively putting her to sleep each and every time problematic. I do believe Ferber's assertion that babies develop sleep associations. If Mari is rocked or nursed to sleep, then put down once deeply asleep, she does indeed tend to wake up when her sleep cycle becomes shallow, probably because she's alarmed that the conditions she associated with going to sleep (rocking, nursing) are no longer present. It was only when I started working to break those sleep associations that Mari started sleeping better.

Basically, the message I took away from The Baby Sleep Book was that if I didn't like Mari waking up constantly, I should just be very, very patient and she would eventually, by the time she was a toddler or preschooler, learn to sleep better and more independently. In the meaning, Jon or I should always carry her until she fell asleep and then sleep with her, even if it meant a more disrupted sleep for everybody. I found this unacceptable.

To be fair, there are bits about other ways of doing things, and a good chapter about night weaning, but I generally found the book to be simplistic, not that informed about sleep and not very respectful of the need to teach a baby to fall asleep and stay asleep on her own. Though just as gentle, I found the No-Cry Sleep Solution to be better about all that.

Next up: The No-Cry Nap Solution, The Baby Whisperer

Day 71: Top 5 things I have learned about Mari's sleep

Some time ago I posted the top 10 things I have learned in general about baby sleep.(http://sleeplittlebaby.blogspot.com/2010/03/day-44-top-10-things-i-have-learned-in.html) I continue to learn, but here are the top five things I have learned so far about Mari's sleep in particular. I'll post more if I think of more.

1. Mari didn't need to cry it out. I tried letting Mari cry it out, using the extinction method, once. (See http://sleeplittlebaby.blogspot.com/2010/03/day-48-crying-it-out-aka-hardest-hour.html.) At the time, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child had convinced me it was the best way to teach her how to fall asleep on her own. Mari cried for an hour straight, and though she did fall asleep soon after, I just couldn't bring myself to put her through that again. While Mari's sleep is still far from perfect, Dr. Richard Ferber's suggestions on breaking sleep associations (also covered in the No-Cry Sleep Solution but better explained, I thought, chez Ferber) were more helpful in getting Mari to fall asleep on her own. I think following the No-Cry Sleep Solution laid the groundwork for Mari's improved sleep, but I still needed a push to take the final step of getting Mari to fall asleep on her own, without being first rocked to near-sleep. Once I started to put Mari down genuinely awake, not almost asleep, she learned to fall asleep on her own and started sleeping better at night. It may well be that some babies truly do need to cry it out. But I believe for the vast majority of babies there are better, less harsh ways.

2. Having said the above, it was unrealistic to expect no crying at all, ever. Mari cries sometimes, in and out of our arms. Sometimes she cries a lot. Sometimes there doesn't seem to be much we can do, at least for a certain period of time. I think letting her cry for up to five minutes at a time between us going in and briefly comforting her is OK. However, I feel bad about letting her go much longer than that, unless her crying is winding down and it sounds like she's on the verge of falling asleep -- which does sometimes happen. However, Mari definitely cries more when she's overtired, and we need to work really hard to prevent her from getting that way, though sometimes it's hard to avoid, especially if her naps are short. For more: http://sleeplittlebaby.blogspot.com/2010/03/day-41-talking-fussing-calling-crying.html

3. Sometimes Mari cries for non-intuitive reasons. Namely, sometimes these days she cries to be put down, not picked up, or because she's not tired, rather than because she is tired. The first was particularly hard to believe at first, because when she was younger, she seemed to constantly fuss to be picked up and she never wanted to be put down. But now that she's gotten used to falling asleep on her own, she often starts to fuss when I'm trying to rock her or sing her lullabies toward the end of her naptime or bedtime routines. She calms down when I put her down. Also, I used to think she fussed before naps or bed because she was tired or overtired. Often this is still the case. But sometimes she fusses because she's just not tired enough to go down. It's harder to tell the difference with this one, but if she doesn't seem to be growing tired and wants to stand up in my lap, she's likely not tired. The only sure test is to stop trying to get her down -- removing her sleep sack, taking her to another room -- and letting her play. If she calms down quickly, she was protesting being put down or wound down when she wasn't ready.

4. Mari's sleepy signs are unreliable, inconsistent and not the usual tired-baby signs. Apparently some babies don't show regular tired signs, or not much. Mari must be one of them. She seldom yawns. She doesn't always show a lull in activity or disinterest in her toys. Instead, the first sign often seems to be apparently increased energy. It's like she's trying to mask her fatigue. She will rub her eyes sometimes, but only after she feeds, and it's a late tired sign. Fatigued fussiness can start without apparent warning. She does often look away from other people, including her dad, but she doesn't tend to look away from me unless her dad has been the one taking care of her and I'm the one who's new on the scene.

5. She needs adequate time to wind down . This may be her temperament, because she has difficulty with transitions. If I want her to sleep at, say, 2 PM, I need to start her naptime routine at least half an hour beforehand. But sometimes, if she's really tired, she will fall asleep quickly, though, so I have to watch to make sure I don't do so much during her naptime/bedtime routines that she gets a second wind.

Day 62: The new, hopefully permanent sleep plan (draft)

(Published on Tuesday, Mar. 23, despite the incorrect date stamp above.)

Over the past two months, I've tried all sorts of things to get Mari to sleep better. Some have worked better than others. I thought they were worthy experiments, but consistency has been a problem. Also, it has taken me some time to work out exactly what I'm comfortable with in terms of crying. This plan is not a strictly no-cry plan, since it allows for up to five minutes of crying or 20 minutes of mild fussing between us going in. (For a discussion of the difference between fussing and crying, see http://sleeplittlebaby.blogspot.com/2010/03/day-41-talking-fussing-calling-crying.html) It isn't a cry-it-out plan either, since we will respond to crying fairly promptly, without trying to stretch out time between responses. However, it does have as a central feature the idea that we will no longer put her to sleep -- she is responsible for falling asleep on her own. So this plan is something of a hybrid between the No-Cry Sleep Solution and Ferberizing, though some elements have been taken from Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child and others I've simply made up based on what has worked with Mari so far.

This plan is subject to change after Jon has a close look at it. Feedback from other people is also more than welcome. Once I have that feedback and made changes if necessary, I hope to keep this plan in place more or less permanently, though of course we will change the schedule as Mari grows and her sleep needs change -- and if something really isn't working out, we'll change it. Anyway, here's the draft plan.

1.  Schedule: I will impose a schedule of nap times, bedtime and wake times, but with flexibility of up to half an hour on either side for naps, depending on how tired (or not) she seems and how long she slept the last time. I will try my best to maintain a more consistent bedtime, starting the bedtime routine as close to 6:30 as possible every night. If I absolutely have to break the schedule, I will try to get Mari back on track as soon as possible, but I will never wake her up from a nap, except in the unlikely event she naps later than 6:00 PM. The schedule will look like this:

7:00 AM: Up (See point #2)
9:00: Start naptime routine, set down by about 9:20 (see point #3)
9:30(ish): Asleep/quiet time (see point #6)
10:30: Active play time
1:00 PM: Start naptime routine, set down by about 1:20
1:30(ish): Asleep/quiet time
3:00: Active play time
(See point #7 for a discussion of the third nap)
6:30: Start bedtime routine, set down by about 7:20 (see point #4)
7:30(ish): Asleep


2. Morning wake-up time

• If Mari wakes up before 5:30 AM, I will treat it as a night waking. (See point #10)
• If Mari wakes up between 5:30 and 6:30, she's vulnerable to not being able to get back to sleep. So at this special time, I will do whatever it takes to get her back down, including nursing (if she hasn't yet had a second night feeding; see point #11) and rocking all the way to sleep.
• If Mari wakes up between 6:30 and 7:00 AM, I will ignore her even if she fusses mildly, keeping her in her crib with the blinds down and lights off, until 7:00. If she starts to full-on cry, I will use the procedures outlined in point #5.
• If Mari wakes up between 7:00 and 8:00, that's fine.
• If by some freak chance Mari hasn't woken up by 8:00, I will wake her up to protect her schedule.

3. The naptime routine will consist of:

• Trip to potty/change
• Two stories, one in Japanese and one in English (with the option to cut it off at one if she seems really tired)
• Blinds closed, white noise machine on
• Two lullabies while rocking if she lets me rock her, one in Japanese and one in English (with the option to cut it off at one or even part of one if she starts looking like she's going to fall asleep.)
• Put down in crib still awake but drowsy (with the option of putting her down while I'm still singing lullabies)
• Good"night" kiss and leave the room

4. The bedtime routine will consist of:

• Bath
• Massage
• Put on pajamas and disposable diaper
• One to three stories, the last of which is always Goodnight Moon
• Breastfeed (no trip to potty unless she obviously needs to poo or actually does so)
• Up to two lullabies while rocking (see note above)
• Put down in crib still awake but drowsy (with the option of putting her down while I'm still singing lullabies)
• Goodnight kiss and leave the room

5. Procedures if Mari fusses or cries once she has been put down for a nap or night sleep:

• If Mari mildly fusses, I will wait five minutes, then go in for her first check and soothe. This first soothing happens quickly because I want to let her know I haven't abandoned her just because I left the room. However, if it sounds like she's right on the point of falling asleep, I will wait up to five more minutes to see if she can fall asleep on her own.
• When soothing her, I will pick her up, shush her, rock her, stroke her hair, pat her bum -- whatever feels right. However, I will not do any of these things until she falls asleep. If she starts to close her eyes in my arms, I'll put her down immediately. I will avoid talking to her or turning on the light, as I don't want to stimulate her. I will strictly limit time in her room to no more than two minutes and will put her down still fully awake but hopefully calmer. If she doesn't calm down within two minutes, I'll still put her down and leave the room.
• If Mari continues to fuss, not full-on cry, I will check on her at 20-minute intervals, unless it sounds like she is very close to falling asleep at the 20-minute mark, in which case I will wait five more minutes. If the fussing turns into crying, see below.
• For naptime, if an hour has passed since I put her down and she has not fallen asleep, I will let her get up. If she seems really tired and hasn't slept at all, I will take her for a walk, weather permitting, and see if she falls asleep in the stroller or carrier. If the weather is bad, I may or may not take her for a car ride.If she falls asleep in the stroller/carrier/carseat, I will try to maintain the same environment until she wakes up on her own, but I won't try to put her back to sleep again until it's time for her next nap. If I decide not to take her for a car ride but I think she still might fall asleep soon, I will let her play quietly in her crib. If she doesn't want to be in her crib, I'll get her up fully. If she doesn't fall asleep, I'll let her stay up until the early end of the range for her next nap or bedtime.
• At bedtime, I will continue checking on her every 20 minutes indefinitely, as long as she's still fussing, not full-on crying. It's unlikely to ever come to this, though.
• If Mari starts to really cry or scream, sounding very upset, I will still not go in right away, since I don't want her to learn that we'll come running if she screams louder or longer. I will wait two minutes, then go in and soothe her as outlined above. I will still limit time in her room to two minutes. 
• If she continues to really cry, I will perform the check and soothe routine at five-minutes intervals. I don't think I'm rewarding her for being louder by going in more often, because my response is still not immediate and because my response will remain the same -- i.e. no rocking all the way to sleep. Also, if she continues to full-on cry despite my best efforts at soothing, I will still put her down after two minutes in her room and let her cry for up to five more minutes. See point #11 for a discussion of if I will nurse her at night.
• If at any point there is a real problem causing her to cry (i.e. she has vomited), I will fix it, even if it takes longer than two minutes and even if I have to turn on a dim light at night. However, once the problem has been fixed and she has calmed down, I will leave the room. I will still avoid rocking her all the way to sleep, though I may have to make temporary exceptions if she's sick or in pain.
•  Because there is a continuum between mild fussing and crying, if I'm unsure about which category it falls into, I'll treat it as crying. The point is not to ignore an upset baby -- I want her to know we're here and we will always respond to her quite promptly if she's upset. On the other hand, Mari often seems to need to "talk" or mildly fuss a bit to put herself to sleep, and I don't want to rob her of the opportunity to do so.

6. Quiet time: Procedures if Mari wakes up from a morning or early afternoon nap of less than an hour

• I will go in right away and do anything I can to get her back down, though that will include nursing only if it's an appropriate time to nurse (see point #8) or if she's showing signs of hunger. If she starts to fall asleep in my arms, I will gently put her down. If putting her down upsets her and she doesn't seem to be trying to fall back asleep, I will pick her up again rock her all the way to sleep before trying to put her down. If she wakes up a second time, I will rock her to sleep again. If she wakes up a third time, I'll let her stay up for quiet time.
• If after 10 minutes of soothing, it seems like there's no way she'll go back down, or if I have tried and failed twice to put her down, I'll give her some toys and let her play quietly alone in the crib. I will keep the blinds down and white noise machine on until the end of quiet time as per the schedule in point #1. 
• If I started the naptime routine earlier or later than usual, quiet time is to last an hour from the time I put her down. 

7. The third nap: RESCINDED -- MARI ISN'T GOING TO TAKE A THIRD NAP ANYMORE.

• It appears Mari has pretty much given up her late afternoon nap. However, if she seems really tired around when she used to have her third nap (between 4:00 and 5:30), I will take her upstairs and perform the naptime routine as fast as possible.
• If she falls asleep, great. If she fusses, I will do a check and soothe at the five-minute mark, then again if necessary after another 10 minutes, not 20 (five minutes, as always, if she full-on cries). If at that point she doesn't seem likely to fall asleep, I will give her quiet time in her crib, with toys, for another 15 minutes, for a total of 30 minutes of quiet time. If she doesn't fall asleep but doesn't fuss either, I'll let her be for a total of 30 minutes of quiet time.
• If she never seems tired enough to go down for a third nap, I won't worry about it and won't try to institute a late-afternoon quiet time.
• If she does fall asleep, I will limit the third nap to a maximum of one hour, or until 6:00 PM, whichever comes first.
• If she starts to seem really tired between 5:30 and 6:30 PM, I'll start her bedtime routine a little early instead of trying to give her a third nap.

8. Daytime breastfeeding: Since Mari is now usually having only two naps, feedings will no longer be tied to naptimes or bedtimes.

• I will feed her soon after she wakes up in the morning, then every three hours or so thereafter during the day, sooner if she shows signs of hunger. 
• If she refuses to nurse on the three-hour mark, I will wait half an hour and offer the boob again. If she shows signs of hunger before that, I will offer the boob sooner. 
• If it has been more than two hours since she last ate and she's about to go for an outing or down for a nap, I will offer her the boob before the outing or nap. 
• If she refuses to nurse before a nap, I won't worry about it and will put her down for the nap regardless. 
• I will try to avoid lengthy outings if she hasn't eaten beforehand (a short outing is OK) because she's too easily distracted these days to nurse in public.

9. Solid food: Mari will be offered fruit or cereal when we're having breakfast and some of whatever we're having at lunch and dinner. She may sometimes skip solids at lunch, but she should always be offered solids at breakfast and dinner. Breakfast will usually start between 7:30 and 8 AM, lunch between 12:00 and 12:30 PM and dinner between 5:30 and 6:00.

10. Night wakings and night feedings:

• If Mari starts to mildly fuss (not cry) at night, I will let her fuss alone for up to 10 (not five) minutes or until fussing turns into crying. If necessary, I will encourage Jon to put in his earplugs and shut the door while I go to the guest room with the door open so I can accurately gauge the quality of her cries. 
• After 10 minutes of fussing, I will do a check and soothe as outlined in point #5 OR feed her as outlined in point #11.
• If it isn't an appropriate time for a feeding, I will let her mildly fuss for 20 minutes before doing another check and soothe if necessary.
• If she starts to really cry, I will wait two minutes the first time, then do a check and soothe OR feed her as outlined in point #11.
• If she continues to full-on cry and it isn't an appropriate time for a feeding, I will check and soothe once every five minutes. 
• If she has been full-on crying for a total of 15 minutes, despite two soothing sessions in the middle, and it's within an hour of a normally acceptable time for a feed (i.e. four hours since she was put down or two hours since her last night feeding), I will feed her.

11. Night feedings:

• I will feed her no more than twice at night. Her first feeding can be a full one and can occur anytime after she has been down for a minimum of five hours. Her second feeding can occur anytime after she has been down for a minimum of three hours after her first feeding. 
• I will make exceptions to the above if she has been crying hard for 15 minutes as outlined above, or if she is going through a growth spurt or teething. In those cases, I will feed up to three times a night. However, after the growth spurt or teething is over, I will return to a maximum of two night feedings.
• I AM RESCINDING ALL POINTS FROM HERE ON DOWN: I am spending this month (from seven to eight months old) trying to wean her from the second night feeding, on the following schedule:
• Mar. 20-27: I will offer only one breast at the second night feeding. If she fusses for more than 10 minutes after I put her down or wakes up again within 30 minutes of getting the first breast, I will offer the second breast.
• Mar. 27-Apr. 3: I will offer only one breast at the second night feeding. If she fusses for more than 10 minutes after I put her down or wakes up again within 30 minutes after getting the first breast, I will offer the second breast, but I will limit her time on it to seven minutes the first night, six the second night, five the third night, etc.
• Apr. 3-10: I will offer only one breast at the second night feeding. If she fusses or wakes up again I will use only my check and soothe techniques to try to get her back to sleep.
• Apr. 10-20: I will start to limit time on the first breast to 10 minutes the first night, nine minutes the second night, and so on.
• I will try to wean her from the first (and hopefully by then only) night feeding in a similar way between the eight-month mark and the nine-month mark.

Day 60: Taking stock

Wow, it has been 60 days since I started the No-Cry Sleep Solution. While I don't consider Mari's sleep issues 100% "solved," her sleep habits have improved out of sight. Two months ago:

• She was waking up about a dozen times a night
• Her longest sleep stretch was typically about two hours
• She had to be rocked (or occasionally nursed) to sleep each and every time
• She rarely napped outside her sling; if she did, she had to co-nap snuggled up to me or Jon. At night she slept in our bed. (Please note I don't consider co-sleeping necessarily a problem for everyone at all times -- we loved it when Mari was younger. But it was becoming a problem for both us and her.)

Now:

• She typically wakes up just once a night to feed. Sometimes we hear her "talking" or fussing a bit other than for that one feeding, but she usually manages to put herself back to sleep within a few minutes.
• Her longest sleep stretch typically ranges from about five to nine hours; occasionally we have had up to 11.
• She sleeps and naps alone in her crib and doesn't seem to have a problem with it
• She no longer has to be rocked to sleep; after a relaxing bedtime/naptime routine (including brief rocking but not all the way to sleep) she goes into her crib awake and usually falls asleep fairly quickly (though that still varies, especially for naptime).

We have accomplished most of the goals I set out when we started this journey. However, there are still areas for improvement:

• I still think Mari generally needs to nap more. She's often tired and cranky in the late afternoon, but it seems like she's really and truly giving up the late-afternoon nap because she just will not take that nap anymore (though for now I will continue to try to get her down if she does seem tired, on the off chance she actually manages to fall asleep). On days when she has good morning and early-afternoon naps, she isn't cranky, or not until it's pretty much bedtime anyway. But if one of those naps is short, or worse, both are, watch out!
• Lately the morning nap has been the biggest problem. She really does best when she naps at least an hour, preferably an hour and a half, in both the morning and early afternoon. But she often wakes up from her morning nap after not much more than 30 minutes, and she won't go back down.
• Sometimes, particularly in the afternoon, I still rock her back to sleep after a premature nap waking. I am somewhat torn on this. I don't want to continue this practice, but I do it if I go in and she still seems obviously sleepy. If she doesn't fall back asleep quickly or seems to be waking up good and proper I abandon the attempt. Maybe I need to have more faith in her ability to put herself back to sleep, even from naps. But my fear is that if she wakes herself up completely she won't be able to go back to sleep even though she needs the sleep, and she'll be a mess.
• She's still highly unpredictable in terms of when she will nap and for how long. However, her morning wake-up time and night going-to-bed time have become more consistent.
• Occasionally, though, she wakes up really early and won't go back to sleep. I don't really know what to do about that.
• Our doctor says Mari doesn't really need night feedings anymore. She wants Mari completely weaned from them by the time she's nine months, which is also the age Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child author Marc Weissbluth says is the limit for needing night feedings. I am now trying to restrict her to one night feeding, usually successfully, and will continue to do so. But I'm not going to start trying to night wean her completely until she's eight months. 

Despite the above issues, in the past two months I feel I've learned a fair bit about baby sleep in general and quite a lot about Mari's sleep in particular. So I will spend the next week or so writing down various aspects of what I've learned and creating a new hybrid plan with elements that work for us taken from various books. I hope other parents will find my experience useful.

Day 50: Why does every damn book say something different?

I'm not very far into Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems (Dr. Richard Ferber) yet, but already I've noticed how much different books differ in what they say even on basic facts about sleep.

Let's take the amount of sleep a six-month-old should get.

According to the No-Cry Sleep Solution: 2 naps a day, 3-4 naptime hours, 10-11 nighttime sleep hours, 14-15 hours total. (According to the No-Cry Nap Solution, by the same author just a few years later, six-month olds should get 2-3 naps, not necessarily just two.)

According to Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, from 4-11 months, a baby needs an average of 14.25 hours of total sleep, including about 3.5 hours of nap sleep and 11 hours of nighttime sleep. The vast majority of six-month-olds take only two naps.

According to Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems, a six-month-old only needs an average of 12.5 hours of total sleep, including 9.25 hours of night sleep and 3.25 hours of nap sleep broken into two or three chunks.

That's a pretty big difference in the recommendations, especially with the last one. Also, HSHHC says a baby about this age should be starting the morning nap around 9 AM and the early-afternoon nap around 1 PM. But SYCSP recommends the first nap start between 9:30 and and 10:30 AM, and the afternoon one between 2 and 3 PM.

What am I supposed to do with all these conflicting recommendations?

Today: Mari had tremendous difficulty going down for her naps, especially the morning one. I started extra early trying to get her down in the morning, since I thought maybe she's been overtired the last several mornings, which was why she fussed so much before going down for her nap. So I tried from 8 AM to 10 AM to get her down. She did nothing but fuss. Finally Jon was able to get her down at about 10:40 and she only slept for 35 minutes. In the afternoon, I tried to get her back on track by putting her down at 1 PM. She didn't go down until about 2:15, though this time she slept an hour and 50 minutes. She skipped her evening nap and was down for the night by about 7:15. So maybe there's something to Dr. Ferber's recommended naptimes, though I hesitate to draw conclusions from just one day.

Day 44: Top 10 things I have learned in the last six weeks or so

While Mari's sleep habits are nowhere near perfect, they are certainly a lot better. And while I continue to learn, these are the most important things I think have worked so far to help improve her sleep. Some are derived from the No-Cry Sleep Solution, some are from Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, and some are of my own invention. These points are roughly in order of importance, in my opinion. Of course, every baby is different, even babies at the same age, but from what I understand from my research, these are points that would help most, if not all babies.

1.  Trust your baby. One of the hardest things for me to wrap my mind around is that Mari has often proven herself capable of more than I have expected. Maybe it's because babies grow and change so fast. I tend to think rules that applied a few weeks ago as still applicable, but often that's not been the case. The biggest thing for me was getting over the idea that Mari would never be able to put herself to sleep, because there was a time when that was true. The first time I left her alone in her room still awake, if very drowsy, I was afraid she'd freak out and it would then take me forever to get her to sleep. Instead, she "talked" for a little while and then there was blessed silence.

2.  Trust yourself. Another hard thing for me has been to weed through all the contradictory things all the different books say and pick out what I think will work for us. Consistency is important, yes, but sometimes I've have to do a bit of experimenting to find out what does work. Once I've found it, I've been trying to be consistent yet flexible -- i.e. if something disrupts her routine. It's a hard line to walk, and sometimes I have to stop and tell myself I'm a good mom and I know my child best.

 3. You do have to alter your life to fit your baby's sleep needs. Being well-rested during the day is crucial to a good night's sleep, and an older baby isn't going to be well-rested if she's not home and in a sleep-inducing environment at consistent times. I miss the days of newborn portability, when Mari could nap anywhere, at any time. But those days are gone and I have to accept it. So I have to keep any outings short and be strict about it. Yes, it's a bit of a pain for me. But a decently rested baby is so worth it and it makes for better rested parents too. 

4. Not every cry is the same and not every sound from a baby necessitates an immediate response. Leaving a baby to fuss for a bit is not the same as crying it out. For more: http://sleeplittlebaby.blogspot.com/2010/03/day-41-talking-fussing-calling-crying.html

5. Your child's temperament will affect his/her sleep habits and your responses to them. Some babies might be able to set and stick to a schedule on their own. Others will not. Some babies will cry very persistently, others will not. Some need a lot of cuddling, others don't like it. For more: http://sleeplittlebaby.blogspot.com/2010/02/day-36-temperament-and-sleep.html

6. By about six months at the latest, natural sleepy times develop, even in an irregular child, according to Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child author Dr. Marc Weissbluth. If one nap is short or skipped it may be better to keep the baby awake until the next naptime, to keep the baby on some sort of schedule, though that needs to be balanced with the need not to get the baby too overtired. The morning nap should start between 9-10 and the afternoon nap, between 12 and 2. For Mari, her morning nap has been starting around 8:30 to 9 and her afternoon nap around 1-ish. A third nap is variable, according to Weissbluth. Mari's has been around 5-ish and she's OK with it only being half an hour if the first two have been long enough. I have been having an easier time convincing her to nap around these natural sleepy times than I did strictly watching the clock to make sure she was up exactly, say, two hours and 15 minutes between naps.

7. The first nap of the day is crucial, and needs to start no more than two hours after the wake-up time. Apparently the morning nap is something of a continuation of night sleep, with plenty of REM sleep. I have found the morning nap sets the tone for the whole day. If Mari is sleeping again within two hours of waking up, she goes down more easily and is more likely to sleep longer. If the morning nap turns out to be shorter than an hour, she'll have a crankier day and will tend to wake up more easily from her naps. However, for some reason it's harder to get her back to sleep if she wakes up prematurely from her morning nap than from afternoon naps. This is something I'm still struggling with -- today, her morning nap was only 40 minutes and I couldn't get her back down. Lo and behold, she was a bit cranky.

8. A parent's presence can be a hindrance, not a help, in getting to sleep. Mari has always been a bit clingy, and my presence can reassure her if she's upset. However, my being around once she's calm at night seems to often delay her falling asleep, because she'd rather interact with me than sleep. However, at naptime, it's harder for me to leave the room, because she's more awake and gets upset if I leave. Having her put herself to sleep for naps is still something we need to work on.

9. A comfortable, sleep-inducing environment is important. Mari has started napping a bit better since I put the blackout fabric on the other side of the bamboo blinds. However, it's still not a very dark room and sometimes I regret not having bought black blackout fabric. On the other hand, I don't want to train her into only being able to sleep in a bat cave. Other environmental things that help: a white noise machine that stays on all night long (we have one on a timer too but she often wakes up when it turns off), removing all toys from the crib (wasn't necessary a few weeks ago, but it is now -- she's more aggressive about getting at them and more active in her sleep -- I usually put her down on her back, head to the left, and very often she wakes up on her tummy, head to the right).

10. It's normal for breastfed babies to wake up once or twice a night to feed until the age of 9 months, according to Dr. Weissbluth. Knowing this has helped me be OK with one or two night wakings and responding fairly promptly with feeding.

Near-future posts: ideas I have not found useful, ideas that may or may not be working, things I have learned specifically about Mari.

Day 31: The new 10-day plan including nap plan

Damn. Mari didn't sleep through the night last night, for the first time in over a week. She was close, since I'm still defining "through the night" as one five-hour stretch -- she had a 4.5-hour stretch. But it has underlined to me that I still need to be emphasizing the nighttime sleep plan as much as ever. I'll probably need to do that until well into childhood, though of course there will be significant changes to the plan before then.

Anyway, here's the new plan, including the plan for naps. Unless otherwise stated, previous plans still apply.

1. For this 10-day plan only I will not try to schedule naps. I will instead look for sleepy cues and try to respond IMMEDIATELY by reading her a quick story, rocking to the point of drowsiness while singing a lullaby, then putting her down. I will try to feed and potty her at least 45 minutes before she's likely to fall asleep. (Feeding her immediately upon waking up has been totally unsuccessful and I will discontinue that attempt. She's too raring to go to settle down for a feed when she's just woken up.)

2.  If I miss feeding her and pottying her before she shows me sleepy signs, I will feed and potty her immediately, limiting time on the potty to a minute or two regardless of if she goes. I will then rock her and put her down without a story or song.

3.  I will keep track of naptimes for the next 10 days so I have a sense of when her natural tired times are. I will use the data to create a nap schedule for the next 10-day plan. For this 10-day plan I will only try to schedule bedtime, starting her bedtime routine at 6:30 every day so she's asleep sometime between 7:30 and 8.

4.  I will make Mari's room darker for naps by sewing blackout fabric onto the backs of the bamboo blinds. (I already did this for one blind, but I don't think the fabric is dark or thick enough, so I'll add another layer.)

5.  I will continue to co-nap with Mari for her morning nap for now, since the morning nap seems to be key. In any case, I usually need a nap too! If she starts to stir too early, I will put a hand on her before she wakes and shush her to try to keep her asleep. If she still wakes up after less than an hour, I will do whatever I have to do to get her back to sleep, including rocking and nursing. 

6.  For afternoon naps, I will put Mari down in her crib and leave the room so she gets more used to napping alone. I will, however, stay upstairs. I will enter the room immediately when I hear a sound and try to get her back to sleep if it has been less than an hour or if she seems cranky.  Exception: if she napped long previously, seems happy and alert and has napped at least 30 minutes, I'll leave her be. She can have one nap a day of less than an hour, assuming three naps a day.

7.  I will work on putting her down after less rocking, drowsy but not yet falling asleep, so she learns to fall asleep on her own in the crib. I will stay by her side for a little while, saying "shh," but I will now not keep a hand on her stomach unless she fusses. If she fusses, I will use the hand but I won't pick her up unless she starts to truly cry, or if she fusses for more than 5 minutes at naptime and doesn't seem to be trying to put herself to sleep. At night, I will leave the room 5 minutes after I put her down, even if she's still awake. At naptime, I'll stay in the room until she's very nearly asleep -- but not quite.

8.  Since her weight gain has slowed, I'm OK with feeding her once or twice a night. Ideally I will do this once before I go to bed, in hopes her longest sleep stretch comes after I go to bed. However, if she doesn't wake up, or puts herself to sleep after less than five minutes of fussing, I will not wake her up to feed her, nor will I do a dream feed.

9.  For night wakings, I will continue to let her fuss alone -- NOT cry -- for the following amounts of time:
- 5 minutes if it's just after I put her down and leave the room, but she's still clearly awake and not happy about being left alone.
- 15 minutes if she has already fallen asleep once for the night but less than three hours have passed since I put her down. If I end up having to go in and comfort her, I will not feed her.
- 5 minutes if more than 3 hours has passed since I put her down for the night. If she continues to fuss for more than five minutes, I will feed her immediately upon going in.
- 15 minutes if I have already fed her once during the night and less than five hours have passed since then. If I go in, I won't feed her.
- 5 minutes if more than five hours have passed since her first night feeding. If I have to go in, I will feed her.
- 5 minutes at any time of the night if it has been less than 30 minutes since her last night waking and she was not fed at the last night waking. If this happens, I will feed her immediately upon going in.
- At any time if she starts full-on crying, I will go in immediately. However, I will only feed her according to the above guidelines.

10.  I will no longer hold Mari during her naps after she has fallen asleep, even if I picked her up after a premature awakening. If she wakes up prematurely, I will soothe her and put her down, up to twice. If she wakes up a third time after being put down, she can stay up.

11.  I will make sure she gets at least some active tummy time between every nap, even if it's only for five minutes before an outing.

12.  I will try very hard to avoid being out when Mari has to nap. However, if it's unavoidable and she falls asleep in her car seat, I will stay in the (intermittently warmed up, if necessary) parked car with her until she wakes up or has napped for a minimum of 45 minutes. Only then will I go in the house, since going in almost always wakes her up. If she falls asleep in the carrier or stroller, I will try to keep walking around outside for the same amount of time. However, if it's too cold, I will take her inside and keep walking around quietly indoors in hopes she won't wake up.

13.  In the last stages of getting Mari down to sleep (naps and at night), I will do the "Pantley Dance" -- alternating periods of rocking and shushing with holding her still and quiet in my arms. I will do both a few times each until she is sleepy but not yet asleep. Then I will put her down.

14.  If she seems in danger of falling asleep nursing, I will employ the "Pantley Pull-Off" (see http://www.pregnancy.org/article/when-your-baby-wakes-frequently-feed-pantley-pull)

Day 28: Nap log day

I spent the day keeping track of Mari's naps and her daily schedule. It may not have been the best day to do it, since she didn't have a typical day for naps. But then, she doesn't really have a typical nap day, which is a big part of the problem.

She had three naps today: 9:10-10:30, 12:00-12:30 and 3:00-3:55. This totals only 2 hours, 45 minutes, when usually I like to see her nap about 3 1/2 hours. I consider between 3 and 4 hours acceptable, as does the No-Cry Nap Solution.

Because she napped so little and seemed overtired in the early evening, I put her to bed at 6:35, when usually she isn't sleeping until about 8:00. I didn't know what else to do, since she was clearly exhausted and it seemed too late for a fourth nap.

The naps themselves were full of Mari's usual bad habits -- or at least, habits I'd like to change. The first nap, she co-napped with me in our bed. I'm OK with this once in awhile but I don't like having to do it every day. Though that first nap was more than an hour, she seems to like to have two-hour naps in the morning and she was still obviously tired and cranky afterward, crying as soon as I left her alone to play for a minute.

She started showing tired signs less than an hour after waking up from her first nap, so I tried to get her down again right away. But despite her obvious fatigue, I had trouble. I tried to get her to finish the falling-asleep process on her own in the crib, after having rocked her to a very sleepy state. But she seemed wide awake the second she was in the crib and started to fuss. So I gave in and rocked her all the way to sleep. I stayed with her for the entire nap and tried to resettle her as soon as she showed signs of stirring, but she woke up anyway and I couldn't get her back down.

Despite the very short second nap, this time Mari seemed reasonably energetic and in an OK mood, so I waited until she started to seem tired to try to put her down. At first I thought it had gone well because she fell asleep quickly (actually too quickly, when she was still in my arms) and stayed asleep when I put her down. I stayed with her again to try to keep her asleep, but it backfired -- I was trying to read, a page rustled and my little light sleeper woke up. I rocked her to sleep again, held her for awhile, put her back down, and then the same thing occurred. So I ended up holding her for most of the rest of her nap. Maybe she would have napped longer if I hadn't had to go to the bathroom, but nature called, I put her down, and what do you know, she was up again.

Unfortunately all this is typical. My goals for the No-Cry Nap Solution journey:

- To not have to stay with her during her naps
- To get her to fall asleep on her own, in her crib
- To get her to nap longer
- To stop holding her during her naps
- To try to get her to nap at predictable times of day
- If she wakes up before I think she should, not to have to nurse her back to sleep as I often do
- To stop rocking her all the way to sleep

Today's nighttime sleep, since we're still very much on the No-Cry Sleep Solution: Last night Mari had a good 11-hour sleep. She cried out a couple of times but not long enough or loudly enough that I had to go to her; she apparently put herself back to sleep very quickly. However, I fear tonight isn't going to be as good. She has already woken up once (at about 9 PM) and sounded upset enough I went to her nearly right away and nursed her, though it hadn't yet been anywhere near five hours since I put her down. Her daytime sleep was more disrupted than usual so I guess I can expect the same at night. Sigh.

Day 27: In other news...

OK, so I'm not done my nap plan yet. But it occurred to me I've been blogging about Mari's sleep rather in isolation of her other developmental milestones, which I'm sure have affected her sleep habits.

Since we started the NCSS, Mari has learned to sit up unsupported -- actually the day after we started, on Jan. 20, the day she turned five months old. When she's not too tired, she sits solidly enough now for me to be able to leave her playing alone while seated, though I still leave pillows around her as insurance, because she does tend to topple after awhile.

She has also started eating solids. We're doing baby-led weaning (here's the website of Gill Rapley, the woman who really started the movement; I have her book: www.rapleyweaning.com) and had her first food on Jan. 26 -- she licked and sucked on a piece of red pepper she grabbed off my plate. She first used a spoon by herself on Feb. 10 and managed to drink an ounce of breastmilk out of a regular glass the next day. (She is still spurning the sippy cup, though, as well as the bottle.)

In the last few days she has learned to jump in her exersaucer and has figured out how to operate the musical toy on said exersaucer.

She also seems to be trying to learn to creep. She has managed to push herself backwards a few times and is now pretty good at spinning around on her belly, but forward movement has been elusive so far. However, she can raise her chest a long way off the ground, sometimes with her head back at an angle that would make a contortionist jealous. She can raise her bum off the ground too -- just not at the same time as her chest yet.

So there you have it -- she's been a busy little monkey.

 Today: Mari had a nice two-hour nap in the morning but her latter two naps were short. Still, she seemed not too badly off, unlike the other day, when she had a short morning nap and was terribly moody. I think the morning nap is key. Last night her sleep wasn't quite as good, though I can't really complain -- she had an 8 3/4-hour stretch of sleep. But she woke up at 4:45 AM and wouldn't go back to sleep for another hour. So I've been tired today. I'm not sure whether I should now just refuse to nurse her at night now that she's proven she can do it. Any input on that would be much appreciated.

Day 25: Nighttime sleep success, naptime sleep failure

I think I can tentatively say MARI HAS STARTED SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT! I'm so happy!

Last night Mari slept for 11 hours, from about 8 p.m. to 7 a.m., without a single peep. In her crib, in her room. Without sleeping on her tummy. Without a dream feed. And she woke up happy and well-rested, not obviously starving, though with a good appetite once I did feed her. I'm so conditioned to waking up at night that I woke up at about 3:30 a.m., boobs sore and swollen, but even so, I had the best night's sleep I've had since before Mari was born.

The three nights prior too, she technically slept through the night, if one defines "through the night" as five hours. I don't know yet what tonight will hold, but as I write this it's nearly midnight and Mari has yet to utter a peep, so I'm optimistic.

What's more, she has put herself to sleep without me in the room for the last three nights running. I've still been doing her bedtime routine and getting her good and sleepy, but then I've put her in the crib, stayed with her for another couple of minutes, kissed her goodnight and left. Tonight she "talked" a little after I left, but only for a minute or two. Then, blessed silence.

I know not to count on a good night every night, and I know there may be further sleep regressions ahead, but I think both of us have finally learned she is capable of putting herself to sleep and back to sleep, and staying asleep all night or at least most of the night. It feels like a miracle.

Now, if only her napping habits would improve. Today was actually a particularly bad day for naps. She only had a 45-minute nap in the morning and a 30-minute nap in the early afternoon. Her late-afternoon nap totaled two hours but she woke up in the middle and the only way I could get her back down was to nurse her back to sleep, which I really don't like doing. What's more, I or Jon had to stay with her for all her naps, as we've been doing pretty much all her life with rare exceptions, and even so we weren't always able to keep her asleep or get her back to sleep.

It's not that Mari doesn't need to nap as much anymore, because she was obviously overtired and cranky most of the day today, going from laughter to tears like a bipolar mosquito on a roller coaster. Maybe tonight's sleep was saved by her last, lengthier nap, but the day was hard on me because she spent a lot of time screaming shrilly.

I've now read over the No-Cry Nap Solution and will log the day tomorrow and try to create a plan. I must say, I've already started trying to use Elizabeth Pantley's two main suggestions to get a short napper to nap longer and they haven't been working. But maybe things will improve when I've put together an integrated plan to improve her napping.

Day 22: The new 10-day plan

Once again I haven't managed to formally set down the plan until today, but I've been more or less implementing the points below for the last couple of days.

The last plan stays in place, with the following changes:

1.  I will start the naptime routine 45 minutes, not 30 minutes, before I want Mari to sleep. While in some ways this is a step backwards, since the ideal would be a shorter naptime routine, the fact is that Mari often takes a long time to fall asleep, and if I'm to have a hope of keeping her on schedule, I need more time. If, however, Mari shows signs of tiredness before I start the naptime routine, I will skip the story and song -- I will just feed her (if she hasn't eaten recently), take her to the potty and put her to bed.

2.  If she doesn't use the potty within a minute or two during bedtime and naptime routines, I'll just diaper her and get on with it -- no more 15-minute potty trips that include a lot of getting her on and off the potty, no matter how convinced I am that she really should need to go.

3.  I will try harder to get her to fall asleep without being rocked to sleep. I will rock her until she's calm and is putting her head down on my chest but before she has started to close her eyes, I'll put her down and pat her, give her her lovey, verbally soothe her and stay by her side but I won't pick her up until she has been in her crib 20 minutes without falling asleep OR until her fussing turns into full-on crying. If she hasn't fallen asleep after 20 minutes, or if she starts to cry, I will do what I was doing in the previous 10-day plan (i.e. pick up and rock until nearly asleep).

4.  In part to adjust for the above, I will try again to move the beginning of the bedtime routine to 6:30, with the goal of having her asleep by 7:30. Too often lately I have had to skip the bath because she was already getting fussy.

5.  I will read the No-Cry Nap Solution (which I just got today) and make a plan to try to improve Mari's napping habits, since she currently wakes up very quickly and has to be held if I'm going to get her back to sleep, often for the rest of the nap.

6.  I will try harder to stick to the schedule.

7.  I will continue to keep track of her nap lengths and night wakings, and I will also start keeping track of how long she's up between naps, in hopes of establishing optimal times once I have a bit more data.

8.  I will eliminate the before-I-go-to-bed dream feed, because I don't want to interfere with her sleep cycles, even if it means I have to get up sooner to feed her. I will avoid feeding her until five hours have passed after she went to bed. After the five-hour no-feeding stretch, I will feed her up to every three hours if she won't fall back asleep without nursing.

9.  I will now let Mari fuss for up to 10 minutes before I go in, not five minutes. This is for fussy noises only. If at any point she starts to full-on cry, I will go in immediately.

Today: Another day of unpredictability, coupled with a little culpability. Mari's morning nap was unusually long at 2.5 hours. I then took her to the library but didn't leave as soon as she got up because I thought she'd be hungry and didn't want her to start screaming while we were walking. So we ended up being out longer than we should have and she fell asleep in her carrier on the way home. I was going to let her continue to sleep in her carrier, but she woke up as soon as we got home, maybe due to the change in temperature or because I wasn't walking anymore. So that nap only lasted 20 minutes. She woke up twice during her early-evening nap and ended up having to be held until she'd slept for an hour. Then she got cranky again very quickly so I had to skip the bath and massage and get her straight to sleep.

Day 21: Some progress, some frustrations

There are definite signs of progress. And yet, last night was a very hard night for me, one of the worst since we started the NCSS.

On the positive side, I only needed to put Mari back to sleep twice last night. She woke up and fussed a bit three other times, but those times, she managed to put herself back to sleep within a few minutes. I nursed her once when she woke up at about 11:30, and again at about 3 AM. So if we count only the night wakings in which I had to intervene, we have gone from 11 on Jan. 18 to two last night. I'm definitely happy about that.

However, the time she woke up at about 3 AM, she would NOT go back to sleep. Maybe I was wrong not to nurse her right away because I wanted her to go at least four hours between night feedings, and it had only been three and a half. I rocked her, but instead of falling back asleep, she kept fussing and seemed full of energy. Even when I gave in and nursed her, it didn't seem to settle her at all. It took until nearly 4:30 AM before she fell back asleep, being rocked in my arms, since by that point I had long since given up on trying to get her to put herself to sleep.

Also, she was up at 6 AM, which is an hour earlier than the earliest time I like her to wake up. Again, she seemed full of piss and vinegar and absolutely would not go back to sleep.

This started a day (today) in which Mari seemingly wanted nothing to do with sleep. She acted like she was hopped up on Red Bull and coffee. She kept waking up very early from her naps and refusing to go back to sleep even when I rocked her and even though I was willing to let her finish her nap in my arms. Her four naps today, which were stretched out artificially as much as I could, totalled only two hours, 15 minutes. Usually she gets three to four hours of total naptime, sometimes more than four.

Yesterday, she napped three hours, 50 minutes in total, which I count as good. In total, she slept 13 hours, 45 minutes yesterday -- still a little on the low side, but closer to the target of 14-15 hours.

Generally, it has seemed to me that more time spent napping resulted in a better night's sleep. But I wonder now if it's possible that napping a little more than usual yesterday resulted in the wakefulness last night and today. I've been logging nap lengths since Feb. 2, so once I have 10 days worth of data, I'll try to look for patterns.

Returning to the results from a day of logging, Mari's sleep stretches have improved a little -- she went for three hours, 8 minutes between wakeful episodes last night. That's counting the night wakings in which I didn't have to intervene. If you count only the times when I did have to go in, she went three hours, 45 minutes between when she first fell asleep and her first night nursing.

However, there has been little progress on getting her to fall asleep without rocking, especially for naps. We're at the same spot as 10 days ago, with me usually having to rock her until she's very nearly asleep. I did try repeatedly to put her down before she started to close her eyes, but she was having none of it. I'll have to keep trying. I know she can do it because she occasionally does it in our bed when we're co-sleeping or co-napping, but she hasn't managed it in her crib yet. This is something we'll work on in the next 10-day plan.

Day 18: Setbacks

Mari had a great night of sleep Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, her best since we started the No-Cry Sleep Solution. She did indeed end up sleeping on her belly, at first because she rolled onto it and after that because I actually put her down on her belly, as an experiment. I woke her up around midnight to give her a dream feed just before I went to bed, and she woke up around 4 a.m. to feed as well. That was it. She spent the whole night in her crib, for the first time. I thought I was dreaming when I woke up alone in bed.

Then, the next day, her routine got totally disrupted by our trip out of town to see Jon's dad. She had four naps on Wednesday, but despite my best efforts, they were all really short. Further, because we arrived quite late, she didn't get to bed until 9:15. She was clearly overtired and fussy when she went to bed and although I tried again to get her to sleep on her belly, she still woke up constantly. The next day, after Jon did some work for his father's small business, we returned home. She napped a little better that day, but again, we got home late, and again, she didn't get to bed until after 9 PM, and again, she had a rough night.

Today, we're back home and I was quite strict about getting Mari down for her naps on schedule, but she still didn't sleep well. All three of her naps were short and would have been shorter if I hadn't ended up holding her for most of them because she wouldn't stay asleep otherwise. At night, even though we were slightly ahead of her official schedule, she was overtired because she hadn't napped well, and I really couldn't get her to bed any sooner than I did because I was starving and had to have a proper dinner. I had the lights out by 7:30, but it took her until 8:15 to fall asleep, and she's woken up plenty since then. I feel like much of the work I've done over the past 18 days has come to naught. Damn.

Day 14: Why won't she stay asleep???

OK, it's been one of those nights. And for no reason that's obvious to me. Mari had an average amount of total naptime, though it's true that the first was long and the next two short. She had an average amount of stimulation for the day. It took her longer than usual to fall asleep, but the first couple of hours of sleep were fine. Since then, she's been waking up what seems like every 10 minutes.

Maybe what I need is more data. I know the NCSS cautions against logging too often, because patience is necessary. But part of me wonders if there's an optimal amount of naptime, a perfect bedtime, that I'm not consistently hitting on. So starting tomorrow I'll try to keep better track of the amount of naptime, the bedtime and the number of night wakings. Maybe there's another variable, but I'll start with those.

Day 12: The new 10-day plan

I've already made some changes to Mari's original 10-day plan, but I haven't written it all down until now, so here goes. Unless otherwise specified, the original plan still stands.

1. Mari's schedule will look something like this:
7:30 - Up and play
9:00 - Naptime routine (Breastfeed boob 1, potty, put on sleep sack, story, lullaby, breastfeed boob 2, rock and shh)
9:30 - Nap
11:00 - Up and play
12:30 - Naptime routine
1:00 - Nap
2:00 - Up and play
3:30 - Naptime routine
4:00 - Nap
5:30 - Up and play
7:00 - Bedtime routine (Breastfeed boob 1, potty, bath, massage, put on pajamas, story, lights out, breastfeed boob 2, lullaby, rock and shh)
8:00 - Sleep

2.  In addition to the feedings described above, I will offer supplementary feedings shortly after waking up for the day (if she didn't feed immediately before/after waking up), immediately after her late-afternoon nap, and at at any other time on demand. If she doesn't wake up demanding a feed in the evening, I will feed her just before I go to bed. After that last feeding, I won't feed her for at least four hours, after which I will revert to a minimum three-hour stretch between night nursings. If a four-hour stretch goes well for a few nights, I will start stretching it out until she goes at least five hours without a feed in the next 10-day plan.

3.  The above schedule is subordinate to Mari's sleepy cues. If she seems sleepy sooner than a prescribed bedtime/naptime, I will get her to bed right away, skipping the story and song part of the naptime routine or, if necessary, the bath, massage and story parts of the bedtime routine. I will strive not to keep her up more than two hours at a stretch and I will never keep her up more than 2.5 hours at a stretch.

4.  I will try to ensure Mari naps for at least an hour each time, unless it's the last nap of the day and the previous two naps were long. I will continue to stay near her during naptimes so I can immediately put her back to sleep if she wakes up after less than an hour. If she wakes up during a nap, I will put her back to sleep by rocking her entirely to sleep. If she wakes up a second time after being put down, I will hold her for at least five minutes after she has fallen asleep, then put her down again. If she wakes up a third time, I will give up.

5.  At bedtime, I will hold her only until she starts to close her eyes. If she fusses after I put her down, I will soothe her without picking her up, by shushing her and putting a hand on her belly or stroking her. If she's still fussing after a few minutes and doesn't seem to be trying to put herself to sleep, I will pick her up and rock her until she has her eyes closed, then I will mentally count up to "ten-one-thousand" before putting her down. If she still won't fall asleep, I will repeat the process, adding ten counts each time. If I have picked her up four times and she's still fussing, on the fifth pick-up, I will rock her completely to sleep. Same applies at the beginning of naps except that I will rock her completely to sleep on the third pick-up.

6.  After she has gone to sleep for the night, I will stay in her room for only five minutes, then slip out. If she fusses within a further 10 minutes, I will immediately go in and soothe her. If she has been asleep for at least 15 minutes before she starts to fuss, I will let her fuss for up to five minutes before going in, in hopes she puts herself back to sleep. However, if her fussing turns into full-blown crying, I will go in immediately.

7.  Mari will sleep in her crib until at least the second time she has woken me up after I've gone to bed, after which I will bring her into bed with me. She can spend one nap per day snuggled up next to me in our bed.

Today: Mari adhered quite closely to the ideal schedule and napped quite a lot today, nearly four hours in total. However, she had some trouble falling asleep and wasn't asleep until 8:25, so the longer naptime may have been compensated for. We'll see how she does overnight.

Results after 10 days on the No-Cry Sleep Solution

Well, Mari isn't sleeping through the night yet, and her night-waking rate would make many parents of easier babies weep. But there has definitely been some improvement in the last 10 days.

On Jan. 18, Mari woke up 11 times overnight. Last night, she woke up only five times. I know some parents think it's awful if their baby wakes up once, but for Mari, her night waking rate has been cut by more than half.

When we started, Mari spent just 2.5 hours napping. Yesterday, she napped for 3.5 hours in total, and I think that has helped her be less overtired and thus sleep better.

Another exciting thing is that Mari has started to be able to put herself back to sleep. In the last couple of days, she has cried out a few times, long enough and loudly enough (though not full-on upset crying) that I was sure she was actually up, not merely talking in her sleep. I waited. And then, the fussing stopped. It didn't work every time, but that she did it at all is a huge step. Also, I have been putting her down still awake, if just barely, and she has often, though not always, managed to put herself to sleep without further picking up. That's a big step too.

She has been napping in her crib typically two naps out of three, which is a great improvement over 10 days ago, when she always napped in our bed, and had to fall asleep curled up against Mom or Dad. In fact, she could probably nap in her crib all the time, if I didn't usually want a morning nap too, since Mari is still keeping or waking me up a lot.

At night too, she's spending more time in her crib. Ten days ago I only kept her in her crib until I went to bed. Then I moved to keeping her there until the first time she woke up after I went to bed. In the last couple of days, I have moved to keeping her there until the second time she wakes up after I go to bed. If she starts sleeping longer I will try to keep here there even longer until she's sleeping in her crib all night.

Mari has never been one of those babies who fell asleep nursing all the time, but she did it fairly often 10 days ago. Now she almost never does. If she does I slightly wake her up before putting her down and most of the time she falls asleep again pretty easily.

Adding naps and night sleep together, she slept 13 hours, 20 minutes last night, up from 11 hours, 25 minutes on Jan. 18. She should still be getting more -- 14 to 15 hours for a six-month-old, according to the book (Mari is only five months and one week, but there isn't a time recommendation for a five-month-old).

It isn't all good news. The worst part, as far as I'm concerned, is that her sleep stretches haven't shown much improvement. Ten days ago, her longest sleep stretch was two hours, 45 minutes. Last night, it was -- get this -- two hours, 50 minutes. Yay, five minutes' more sleep.

Mari's bedtime has actually migrated later, to 8 PM the last few nights, despite my best intentions to start her bedtime routine at 6:30 and have her asleep by 7:30. That just isn't fitting well into my life. I can manage starting her bath at 7, though. I guess there has to be a balance between meeting her needs and mine. It wouldn't be all that bad if she didn't wake up as often as she does, but when I subtract the amount of time she spends awake in the middle of the night, she only slept 9 hours, 50 minutes last night. She should be getting 10-11 hours at night.

I haven't been good enough at getting her to bed quickly for naps when she shows signs of being tired, and her naptimes are as inconsistent as ever -- more about that one of these days.

But the good news certainly outweighs the bad. Time to revise the sleep plan and stick to it. Thank you, No-Cry Sleep Solution.

Day 10: Starting to see some success?

Suddenly things seem to be coming together. This is the second night in a row that Mari has managed to put herself to sleep again after waking up and crying out. Of course, she's still waking up more often than I'd like, but she's waking up less often than she did even a few days ago.

Since this is Day 10, I've been logging her naps, bedtime routine and night wakings. Results and a new plan tomorrow.

Day 8: A baby schedule and a life - is it possible?

The last couple of days I've stuck to the schedule fairly well, but wow, sticking to it is really limiting my activities. I've kept outings very short and still didn't manage to do everything I wanted to do, even though they were simple things like stopping at the grocery store for some granola bars. At home too, I've abandoned a lot of activities halfway because it was time to put Mari down for her nap. Not that I was really adamant about folding all the laundry at once, but I hate going downstairs to an abandoned sink full of dishes sitting in cold soapy water.

I'm not a naturally scheduled person, so trying to stick to a schedule is a pain in the ass. Mari isn't predictable either, and I've had to make a lot of minor modifications as she's napped less or more than expected, got cranky sooner or seemed wide awake later. Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. I'm hoping that if sticking to a schedule teaches her to sleep better, we can start to be more flexible. Or maybe I'll be able to work out ways to stick to the schedule even when we're on the go, like timing naps for when she can be in her car seat or carrier. Trouble is, Mari's picky about where she naps and is a very light sleeper, so things like walking into a store or even stopping for a red light will often wake her up.

Doing this whole sleep plan is also time-consuming. I feel like I spend half my day putting Mari down to sleep. And that's not far from the truth -- about a total of two and a half hours for three naps and one bedtime, plus assorted other time for her many variable night and naptime wakings. On a day like today, that's about four hours in a day spent trying to wind Mari down and putting her to sleep or back to sleep. In addition, there's the amount of time I've been spending sitting by her in hopes my presence and/or comforting hand will keep her from waking up in the first place. I hope not to keep doing this for the rest of Mari's babyhood, but I probably spent about four hours doing that today. And then there was the half an hour I spent holding her during one of her naps, because she woke up after only 20 minutes and wouldn't go back to sleep and the NCSS says to do whatever it takes to make sure she sleeps enough during the day. If you add it all up, that's more than a full workday occupied with Mari's sleep. Sigh.

Yesterday and today: Yesterday was a relatively good day for sleep by Mari's standards, with her waking up roughly every two hours most of the night. Today has been awful. Except for one hour-long stretch, she has woken up every 5-15 minutes all evening, even after I started resorting to rocking her all the way to sleep. I really don't understand why she so often wakes up after seeming briefly to be genuinely asleep. The days didn't go all that differently and Mari got comparable amounts of naptime. So what's going on tonight?

Day 6: Off the rails

Mari seems determined not to be scheduled or predicted. Yesterday ended up being a very rough night of sleep. She woke up more times than I can count and was wide awake at 1 AM for a good hour. And yet, the day had gone relatively well and the schedule more or less adhered to.

Today, the schedule pretty much went out the window. Mari was up at 6:30 and took a two-and-a-quarter hour nap from 9:30 to 11:45 -- her longest nap since she was about three months. By 1:30, she already seemed tired, so I did most of her naptime routine and left Jon to really put her down while I went out for my weekly afternoon off.

I returned three and a half hours later (half an hour later than I'd promised Jon; oops) to learn Mari had slept only 20 minutes, refused to go back down, refused to take a bottle of pumped milk (she used to take it but has been refusing pretty consistently for the last couple of weeks, which is another source of stress) and then cried until I got home.

So I fed her at 5:30, put her down for the ill-advised evening nap from 6:00 to 6:30 (she woke up), and didn't get her in bed properly until about 8:00.

The surprise? It's actually been a relatively good evening for sleep so far, with only one waking since.

I guess she got a reasonable amount of total naptime, with the long morning nap. And I still think the schedule will do her good in the long run. But it goes to show what an unpredictable baby she is.

Day 5: Ch-ch-ch changes

It's clear some aspects of my sleep plan aren't working out.

For one, I can't breastfeed every two hours. I used to be able to, when Mari was younger, but now she's eating more at once and isn't hungry as often, and when she's not hungry, she rejects the boob. All that's good in general, but not when I'm trying to get her to eat more during the day so she doesn't need as much at night. It's still not clear to me just how much Mari really needs to eat at night. She does seem legitimately hungry sometimes, but other times, even now that I've been stretching out how often I'll put her to the boob, she barely nips.

Also, I don't think Mari can really take three 90-minute naps. It's a battle getting her to stay napping for more than 20 minutes sometimes. I can persevere to a point, but sometimes she's obviously up and energetic and no amount of rocking will put her back to sleep. So I will now be trying to get her to nap for 90 minutes in the morning and late afternoon, but will allow her early afternoon one to be shorter -- that one's been the shortest for a long time. I'll still try to get her to nap at least 3.5 hours in total, 4 if I can manage it.

Finally, I think we need to be stricter about her naptimes, to try to get her onto a more consistent schedule, much as she resists being scheduled. It takes her quite awhile to settle down into sleep, so I need to start a naptime routine half an hour before I want her actually sleeping. That's only an hour and a half of active awake time between naps. So her ideal day should now look like:

7:30ish - up and play
9:00 - Naptime routine: breastfeed boob 1, story, song, breastfeed boob 2 (she likes a break between boobs), rock and shh
9:30 - Nap
11:00 - Play
12:30 - Naptime routine
1:00 - Nap
2:00 - Play
3:30 - Naptime routine
4:00 - Nap
5:30 - Play
6:30 - Bedtime routine: Bath, massage, breastfeed boob 1, two stories, lights out and sound machine on, lullaby, breastfeed boob 2, rock and shh
7:30 - Sleep

Today: It was a rough start to the evening. Mari went down okay by 7:45, but by 8 PM, she was up again. I tried repeatedly to soothe her just enough to get her drowsy and put her down still awake. Several times, she seemed to go to sleep, only to start fussing again minutes later. Finally she started all-out crying. She seemingly didn't want to be rocked, jiggled, nursed or put down -- nothing worked for the longest time. Finally I gave up (for now) on trying to put her in her crib still barely awake, and finally she allowed me to rock her to sleep. It took an hour, and she was up again within less than another hour. Argh!